my experience with self love

I was newly twelve when I had a hit-by-a-ton-of-bricks experience that I can’t seem to unbury my mind from.

It was Sunday morning at church and all the young girls had filtered into our designated classroom filling it up so entirely that we had to wrap extra chairs against the outside walls.

I don’t remember much except that we were all given a paper and a pencil and a prompt. The prompt was something along the lines of writing things down that we didn’t like about ourselves. I’m sure our teacher explained it in a less derogatory way, but that is the jist I remember.

I sat there for a really long time. I remember having the hardest time thinking of ANYTHING I didn’t like about myself. With seconds to spare, I wrote down the word impatient. That’s all I could think of was that I wish I was more patient. Our teacher started listing off things that she or others had written. Some of them included that they didn’t like their big hips, short legs, long nose, or thin hair. The point of the exercise was to explain that our true value was boundless because we were all daughters of God, but that wasn’t the lesson registering in my brain.

If you were in that room you would have seen a little Karlie sitting in the corner with her eyes wide and mouth agape. I was absolutely shocked. Like petrified. I was basically Hermione in The Chamber of Secrets. I could NOT believe what they were saying about themselves.

It was a new concept for me that people could dislike themselves, or parts of themselves, so passionately. Now I wish I could go back to that time when I had such a pure love for myself.

In the moment I was seriously heartbroken, but the experience also filled me with all these new doubts that I had never had before. If I had to choose a time when my innocence began crumbling this experience would be the easy winner.

Up to this point, my self-love was automatic. I didn’t have to think about it or work on it, it was just always there. Now, of course, that isn’t the case. I am glad that I can still say that I have always loved myself, but the degree or level has fluctuated a bit time to time. I have been disappointed with myself, mad at myself, embarrassed, wishing I could do better or be better.

It seemed I’ve always loved myself, but I never gave myself the love that I needed. I should have shown myself more compassion and grace in my devastating moments. And I should have given myself the tough love I needed when I felt stuck.

It’s messy and hard and takes time, but this is exactly what self love is. It is learning about yourself and what you need.

My sister and I are pretty different. She has thick skin and I have… not so thick skin. My parents could yell at my sister and she would pull up her pants and get the job done, but if they yelled at me I would probably start crying, run and hide, and then eat some chocolate to make myself feel better.

My point is, we don’t necessarily know what we need, tough love or compassion, until we can observe and see what works. Just like my parents had to learn what methods were affective for my sister vs. me.

This is true for every aspect of who we are. We have to learn. We have to get to know ourselves as if we were somebody else.

I, honestly, doubted myself a lot when I graduated. I didn’t really know who I was or what I truly wanted and I became so frustrated with myself. I had lived with myself this many years and I had literally no idea? It was maddening.

My solution was to start over. It was kind of like those romance movies where the couple decides to start over so they shake hands and reintroduce themselves. Yep pretty much. I already knew some of my likes and dislikes, but now I wasn’t going to assume anything about myself, I was going to put in the effort to get to know Karlie and I was going to learn for myself who I was.

For instance, one big thing I came to understand about myself that I never quit realized before is that I am a planner. I am flexible, but I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself spontaneous. I like to know what I am having for dinner because that affects what I will have for lunch. I like to know the day before if my friends want to do something because it will change if I wash my hair or not. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to know at least a few hours beforehand and if I can’t receive that then my answer is mmmm… no.

I am not so uptight that I have every minute of everyday scheduled, but it probably stems a bit from my anxiety that I like to know what’s going on and feel prepared.

Nonetheless, when I came to this realization I was actually really excited. I never recognized this about myself so I had just learned something new! It was me revealing a truth, a fact, about me and honestly accepting it. Sure I wish I didn’t care so much and could just go with the flow, but the truth is I do care and that’s okay because it’s a characteristic that makes me me.

I soon realized that who I was before was actually just a compilation of everyone around me. Not exactly a bad thing, but not exactly me either. It can almost be surprising when you discover some things you thought you liked you actually don’t or some opinions you formed weren’t actually your own.

To start learning more about yourself, the thing I found to be the most helpful is to be observant and conscious of the feelings arising. Sink into the moment and honestly acknowledge the proper emotion. Is whatever experience making you mad, happy, annoyed, confused, or nervous? Assess and come to the appropriate answer. It might take a few tries but eventually you might realize you actually hate your mom’s lasagna or drawing is a new hobby you really like or yelling in a disagreement is not an effective way for you to communicate.

My other little tip to help you learn more about yourself is to make yourself do things. Think about your life and what you want out of it. Then create goals that align accordingly. As you start to work toward those goals you might realize it’s not something you want or it might confirm your ambitions and get you excited for the future.

I know that as we make our personal relationship a priority our self love can only grow. So pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, make goals to work on, and give yourself the compassion or tough love when you need it.