I have a secret. This secret is one of my tried and true tricks that I use all the time.
Life with depression sucks and more often than not it doesn’t wait for you to catch up. Meaning, you know how some days or weeks are just horrible and uncontrollable? You wake up crying in the morning, but still have to go to work. You have a total breakdown at lunch, but still have to go back to class. You have a painful panic attack, but still have to go home to your family or roommates with a smile on your face.
Yes, yes, and yes, at least for me.
I know in the beginning when I first started trying to cope with my depression that I probably looked like a TOTAL WRECK when anyone saw me. This consists of puffy bloodshot eyes, a runny nose, and grim expression. They probably gave me some interesting looks too, but I never told them I had depression. Honestly, I didn’t really want to talk let alone address my depression.
So this is where I started using this trick. We all seem to proclaim our exhaustion at a minimum of 100 times a day and everyone just nods and states their agreement not thinking twice. Using this to my advantage, in the morning after I’d have a drastic breakdown with no time to pull myself together I’d head into work yawning as big as I could, wipe my “tired” eyes, and deliver my little “tired” speech.
It genuinely works. It gives me an excuse to rub my eyes at the tears that still want to trickle down. It also gives me an excuse for how haggard I might look. And it also in part is true. I am exhausted. Exhausted of my depression and the terrifying feelings that come with it. Exhausted of the never ending cycle that I can’t seem t o break.
It’s sad that you can so easily hide your depression, but I don’t think anyone wants to put on full display of how easily they are falling apart.
I think that was the hardest part for me, realizing and admitting the actual state I was in mentally. It was a hard pill to swallow when I couldn’t say I was just sad, but that I had actually been diagnosed with depression. I think the honestly helped a bit, however, so that I could distinguish between sadness and depression. It gave me a bit of clarity and made me internalize that I wasn’t going crazy but that I had an actual problem that needed some attention.
That’s what I wanted to talk a little bit about today: the difference between sadness and depression.
The first distinction that I made between the two was the art of distraction. When I was sad there always seemed to be a way of feeling better. Eating something I loved, talking to my friends or family, exercising, crying, or just about anything else could leave me in a better state.
On the flip side, I don’t really remember the exact sinking point of my depression. I do remember, however, the oncoming anxiousness I felt in the beginning. I would have so much swirling around in my head that I did anything to distract myself. I would literally wake up in the morning and instantly turn on Gossip Girl while I made my bed. I would also listen to music or talk to friends and family so long as I was always doing something. The distinction here is that whenever the “distraction” stopped I was instantly in that horrible headspace. And while my distractions were keeping me busy, that’s all they were: something filling up my time. They weren’t making me feel better or adding benefit to my life. I was chasing something that I would never get.
Now, as I couldn’t “distract” myself into feeling better the second distinction between sadness and depression that quickly sunk in was the intensity. I don’t know about you, but I have had times where I was sad for what seemed like days on end. Buuuut, I had never before been sad for months on end. The prolonged sadness was a HUGE indicator that something was truly wrong because even though days and weeks passed I still wasn’t getting better.
The intensity of emotions… that was overwhelming to say the least. The hopelessness, desperation, and anger I had NEVER felt on that level before. Even my physical body seemed destroyed. I was never well rested, my heart seriously hurt from crying so much, my face was red and burning from the tears, and my appearance couldn’t have been lower on the to-do list.
Shocked was an understatement. But like I mentioned above, once I could label these intense emotions and feelings as something (depression) I felt a little more in control. It’s hard to treat something when you don’t know what it is. When I finally admitted that I was beyond sadness I could eventually see the next step, which in my case was to go on medication.
Reasons or explanations is another highlighted distinction. Usually when you are sad you have a reasonable explanation. Whether someone said something to you, you failed at something, got embarrassed, ended a relationship, lost a loved one, or whatever reason you have, it explains your sadness. Depression on the other hand I could never explain. I know depression can be set off by certain things or the circumstances we are in do little to help, but why are you still sad? I DON’T KNOW.
The best way I have described depression was, ”its a feeling inside that I can’t get to go away”. I don’t know why I can’t get it to go away. I don’t know why it wants to stay. And I don’t know what to do. The reasoning was never there for me to grasp onto or understand. I think almost everyone tries to give everything a reason or purpose so when depression couldn’t be explained away it was seen as something that wasn’t real.
It does have real symptoms though that we can see and recognize so that’s the last thing I want to mention that sets apart sadness and depression. Symptoms include:
Feeling numb or no emotion
Making drastic choices
Extreme fatigue
No sense of purpose
Feelings of despair
Suicidal thoughts
Hopelessness
Anxiety
Continual crying
Mood swings
Irregular sleep patterns
Excessive hunger
Loss of appetite
Lack of concentration
Weight gain/loss
Loss of interest
Thoughts of harm
Prolonged feelings of sadness
Irritability
To name a few.
Overall, distraction, intensity, reasoning, and symptoms are all key distinctions between sadness and depression.
If you are experiencing these emotions don’t be afraid to talk to a friend, family member, or doctor. One thing I wish I could change is thinking that my experience was somehow my fault and that I had to buck up and get through it. We don’t say that about any other physical illness so we need to stop thinking that about mental illness as well.
So tag along by joining my newsletter if you want to hear some open and honest conversations about mental health, we can all learn from each other! 🙂
xxx Karlie